


Cracked Panes

by transdreamsicle



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Comics), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Bottom Loki (Marvel), Brief Homelessness, Children, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gender Neutral Language, Healing, Human Fenris, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Medical Procedures, Parenthood, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Past minor character death, Reunions, Sibling Incest, Top Thor (Marvel), Trans Loki (Marvel), Trans Male Character, Vaginal Sex, dad Loki
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-21
Updated: 2019-07-30
Packaged: 2020-07-10 09:16:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19903357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/transdreamsicle/pseuds/transdreamsicle
Summary: Thor hasn't heard his brother's voice in six years. Not until today.Loki has less than twenty dollars, a hungry son, and nothing but a six year old phone number to go on. Thor answers.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> so uh. here's another story where i'm just processing shit lol. self-edited. i'll post the other chapters as i edit them.

Rain beats down on the window, the wind pushing it in at a harsh angle that makes it fall in waves. They roll over a small crack in the bottom right pane and small drops trickle in to collect on the sill. A flash of lightning arcs across the sky and the thunder that follows crashes so hard it makes his entire house shake. Thor smiles at the violence of it, the raw energy. The only thing he prefers about back home is the storms. Seattle’s skies just don’t unleash fury the way a midwestern sky does. He thinks maybe three years have passed since a storm this intense came over the city.

The steady downpour and the dark clouds calm something in his heart, remind him of all the times he escaped a tempest inside his house for the one outside less likely to kill him.

More lightning weaves through the clouds, lighting them up from the inside and leaving their shadows glowing in his vision. His house is silent, his own breath and heartbeat the only other sounds keeping the storm company. Well, that and the creaking of his gutters that he’s been meaning to fix for no less than five months.

Thunder rumbles again and just beneath it he hears the trill of guitar from his phone and checks to see who would be calling him that he doesn’t know. The ID reads Monterrey, California, area code eight three one, but no other details. He stares at it for about ten seconds then picks it up. Worst it might be is a telemarketer. He hopes.

“Hello?” He leans back in his office chair and turns away from his reflection in the sleeping screen of his laptop.

Whoever is calling is outside, because Thor hears the ocean greeting him first. 

Then, “hello, Thor.”

His heart pounds and his throat tightens, his stomach flips and he feels dizzy for a moment. Six years. He hasn’t heard Loki’s voice in six years but he knows this is his brother. Loki's voice so much deeper now, he must’ve kept up with the testosterone.

“It’s—”

“Loki?” He doesn’t have to ask, but he can’t help it.

“Yes,” Loki replies, he sounds tired and Thor’s heart aches, “I um… I wasn’t sure who else to call.”

Thor taps the space bar on his keyboard to wake his laptop. “Is something wrong? Do you need help?”

Loki takes a shuddering breath and then he’s crying. He sobs into the receiver and Thor thinks he hears a yes, hears a sorry, hears words garbled by tears and the static of whichever cheap phone his brother is using. What he hears clearly, though, is a very small, high pitched voice speaking underneath Loki’s sobs.

“It’s okay, Daddy!” The little voice says, chipper and sweet, entirely unknowing. 

Oh, so that’s what’s happening. Loki doesn’t ask for help. Not for himself. 

Thor doesn’t move, he practices the breathing exercise his therapist taught him and waits for Loki to calm. The storm begins breaking up by the time Loki speaks again.

“I need help, Thor. You were the only one I could think to call. I don’t… we don’t have anywhere to stay, we don’t have any food. I don’t know what I’m going to do.” Loki’s voice is raw and breaking around his words. It rips into Thor’s heart and fills his belly with a sick weight that makes him grind his teeth to keep his lunch down.

He could never stand Loki being in pain. “Where are you?”

“I’m in Monterey, California. I’m with my son.” Loki’s tone changes then, something slips over the words, guards them. 

Thor wonders what has happened to his brother, how he became a father, why he doesn’t have anyone. But he also doesn’t want to think about it. He’s always had their dad’s temper and the only good thing it ever did for him was protecting Loki.

He pulls up Google and plugs his headphones into his phone jack so he can talk and type more easily. “I’m in Seattle. Do you want to stay in Monterey? I can bring you up here, if you want, or just book you a motel—”

“No! No, I don’t want to stay in a… I mean if you have space and it’s not a burden. He needs a good place to sleep, I think,” Loki says.

Thor brings up flights and times, makes sure he’s selecting for an adult and a child, then checks again that he has a child included, then again. His thoughts remind him that the child is Loki’s son. Loki has a son and Thor wouldn’t have known if he hadn’t heard that tiny little voice chirping out reassurance. Guilt creeps up inside him but he brushes it aside; it’s useless to him right now.

“It’s not a burden, I have a guest room just for this kind of thing. You’re family, remember?” Thor measures his words so they come out with love instead of bitterness.

Loki sobs again. 

Thor hears that little voice calling out, "Daddy, I love you! You don't have to cry!" 

Loki laughs a bit and Thor feels tears stinging his eyes. Fuck. 

"How close are you to the airport, Loki?" Thor finds a non-stop from Monterey to Seattle and hovers his cursor over the checkout button. 

"Not very, I think there's a greyhound station not too far from here, though. And I've got twenty dollars to buy some food, I think. Let me, wait, let me count," Loki mumbles.

Thor opens a new tab in his browser. "Do you have a PayPal account? I'll send you money for food."

Loki stops his muttered counting at seventeen and doesn't say anything for a moment, then he clears his throat. "I do. Do you remember my email from high school?"

Thor holds the snarky comment that crops up in his mind and hums the affirmative. He types the email from memory and Loki's name autofills as a contact. He sends four hundred dollars and closes the tab with flights, switching instead to the one with the bus schedule. Loki's phone vibrates as a rumble across the line and Loki gasps.

"Thor!" 

Thor buys tickets for the both of them and sits back in his chair. "The bus leaves in ninety minutes if they're on time. It's a twenty-nine hour trip and it has a few stops, but I'll be waiting for you. How many bags do you have?"

There is silence for a moment, then Loki quietly says, "we don't have any bags."

Thor swallows hard and clears his tightness from his throat. "Well that'll make loading the car easier. Do you want to talk?"

Loki sniffs and exhales slowly. "We can talk when I get to Seattle. Right now I just want dinner and to get on the bus so we can get the hell out of this city."

Thor forwards the ticket confirmation to Loki's email and searches for the nearest store with booster seats. 

"I'll see you soon, Loki," he promises.

The last time he said those words Loki was gone in the morning. 

Six years. And it feels like no time at all. 

—

Loki hangs up on his brother and pulls Fenris further into his lap. He's so happy, he thinks this is some kind of adventure Daddy is taking him on. He doesn't know what homelessness is. Maybe he won't remember any of this when he's older. Loki hopes so.

He quickly transfers the PayPal money into his checking account and then texts his bank for his balance. Nothing. Again, and again nothing. On the third text the money is there, so he gathers Fenris onto his hip and stands up. The Greyhound terminal is only two blocks away, so they have some time.

"Daddy, I'm hungry," Fenris says, perching his little head on Loki's shoulder.

God, neither of them have showered in days. They're filthy. Loki walks to the McDonald's across the street and Fenris perks up as they approach.

"Daddy can I have a milkshake?" He clings to Loki's neck, almost strangling him.

Loki rubs his back and feels his ribs too prominently under his skin. "We'll share one. Do you want chocolate?"

Fenris nods his head animatedly and squirms in Loki's grip. It's been months since he was able to spend money on fast food. Air conditioning blasts them when he opens the door, his shoes so worn he can feel it on his toes. 

No one pays them any mind as they wait in line. Fenris isn't wearing shoes, but it's not uncommon, Loki reminds himself. Most toddlers hate shoes, so he can pass off not owning any as a fight his son won.

He orders too much food, really, but his stomach is growling and so is Fenris’. 

They steal a corner booth and take a little number plaque so the food can be brought out to them. Fenris plays with the touch screen game on the wall and Loki feels relief for the first time in over a year.

Thor answered. Six years of silence after what happened and he still answered.

Loki’s pride kept him from calling the first time they were evicted, and the second. And the third. But his pride is useless if his son wakes up hungry after going to sleep that way.

Thor is so much closer than he realized. Seattle is barely more than a day away. He wonders when his brother finally left, what drove him to it. Everyone has a breaking point, he knows, even someone as endlessly patient as Thor.

The food is set down and Fenris tears into his chicken nuggets with so much enthusiasm Loki can't help laughing.

Fuck his pride. He needs to feed his baby.

—

Thor watches another bus pull in and his stomach flips because this one is Loki's. He bounces on his heels by a phone charging station and watches people slowly file out and gather around the side of the bus to pick up their luggage.

Loki steps off and walks right into the station, nothing on his person except a toddler with curly black hair and brown eyes. The first thing Thor notices is that this child could be Loki's twin if his eyes were green. The second thing he sees is how skinny they both are. Thor forces a smile to mask his concern and pulls his brother into a one armed hug.

Loki returns it and his son joins in, wrapping one skinny little arm around Thor's neck, friendly despite Thor being a total stranger to him.

Thor pulls back and smiles at the boy. "So who's this?"

Loki looks at his son and grins, something warm and sweet, unguarded in a way Thor remembers and misses.

"This is Fenris. Fen, sweetie, say hello to your Uncle Thor." Loki gestures to him with one hand.

Fenris beams at him with a gappy smile and waves. "We showered in McDonald's!"

Thor laughs and raises a brow, looks at his brother and loses his smile when he sees shame clear on Loki's face. Oh.

He clasps Loki's shoulder and nods his head towards the parking lot. "Let's go back to my place."

Thor feels like he’s walking through a dream. How many times has he had this dream, actually? How many nights did he see Loki’s face, different in ways he couldn’t predict, only to wake up and face another day, week, month, or year where they still hadn’t spoken to each other? Yesterday afternoon doesn’t feel real yet. None of this does. 

Loki follows him to his car and stops when he looks in the back seat. "You have a booster seat?"

Thor rubs the back of his neck and realizes this seat might actually be too big for Fenris.

"Yeah I didn't know how old he was so I got the one for four and five year olds. You said you didn't have anything and we can't just put him in the seat by himself, I just thought…" His sentence dies and he finishes by clearing his throat and unlocking the door.

Loki buckles Fenris in and closes the door again, then he stands still for a moment, eyes fixed on nothing with his hand resting on the roof of the vehicle.

Thor sighs and pulls him into a hug. He feels Loki sobbing more than hears it. 

"I'm here, little brother, it's going to be alright now, I've got you," Thor promises.

Loki's arms wrap around him and hold on too tight but he doesn't mind. Anything that can convince him this isn’t a dream is something good. 

After a moment Loki pulls back and wipes his eyes. "I'm so tired of crying."

Thor wants to kiss him, even just on the forehead maybe, but he doesn't know if it would be welcome. He settles for brushing a tear off of Loki's cheek and smiling with as much warmth as he has inside him.

"You hungry? I've got leftovers." Thor goes to the driver side and waits until Loki opens his door to sit down. 

Loki buckles himself in and reclines the seat a little, just enough that Fenris' kicking legs don't quite reach him. He didn’t even look into the backseat to do it, and it warms Thor to know that Loki wasn’t completely alone before now.

"I'm hungry!" Fenris says, looking between them with bright eyes.

Thor already loves him. His nephew.

"Well, I have some spaghetti, or I have Chinese food if you want," he offers.

Fenris purses his lips and looks at Thor with the kind of concentration only Loki has ever given him.

Then he smiles and bounces in the booster seat. "Spaghetti!"

Loki chuckles and looks at Thor. If he sounded tired on the phone it's nothing compared to seeing him now. Not even thirty but there are almost as many gray hairs as black on Loki's head, and his wrinkles aren't deep but they're visible. The only thing that ages a person that quickly is stress. He can't ask what happened yet, not here. But there's one thing he can do.

"I love you, Loki. Thank you for calling me," he whispers.

Loki's face breaks into shock and even though he said he’s tired of crying his eyes water. “Thank you for answering. I didn’t even know if that would still be your number.”

Thor debates the risk of being honest for a moment, then throws his caution aside and admits, “I made sure to keep it so you could reach me if you needed me.”

Loki’s mouth pulls into a frown and his lower lip wobbles. “Please don’t make me cry.”

Thor smiles apologetically and takes Loki’s hand, feels the warmth and the way his knuckles bulge too much on his fingers. “You’ll have to eat the leftover Chinese since Fen called dibs on the spaghetti.”

Loki laughs and squeezes his hand. “I think I’ll manage.”

Thor doesn’t want to gamble too much today, so he doesn’t kiss Loki’s hand like he wants to. He simply lets go and starts the car. 

—

Thor’s car is the nicest place they’ve stayed in months and they’ve only been inside it for twenty minutes. 

He watches the city slide by under a constant drizzle. Little drops build up on the window and collect into bigger ones that move with the wind, crawling sideways in lazy paths. The radio is on some local top forty station and he hears Fenris singing along with the songs using his own made up lyrics. If he never does anything else right he can at least find peace in his son’s happiness.

Thor turns into a suburb filled with more trees than houses. Cars are parked on either side of the street and the homes all look cozy, just enough room on either side of them so they don’t feel stacked on top of each other. The neighborhood is a mix of brick and siding. Loki notices a house where someone painted over their brick, their home a nice sage green that blends in with all of their shrubs. 

Loki hasn’t been in a neighborhood this nice since he lived at home. He worried about Thor sending him four hundred dollars, but he knows now that he shouldn’t have. Clearly Thor’s doing just fine.

There are kids running through the street, all of them older than Fenris, but they wave to him when the car rolls buy. A few say hello to Thor, too, and Loki watches his brother greet them in return, some of them by name. He’ll make such a good father. Loki never cared about that when he was younger, never noticed it, but now it’s the first thing he notices about people.

They roll through another stop sign and Loki watches the kids resume playing behind them in the side mirror. Fenris will start school soon, or at least he should. Loki hasn’t had time to think about enrolling him in a pre-k program. He doesn’t want to think about how long he and Fenris will be staying with Thor; if it’s worth it to look around in this district and plan for a future here.

Thor stops in front of a house and then backs into the driveway, parking right at the end of it. His house is set on a steep slope, though Loki can't actually see it through all of the trees and bushes. 

Fenris yawns and Loki realizes it's almost time for a nap. They need to get inside and eat so he can sleep. Loki tries to angle his head to see Thor's house as he exits the car and pulls his son out, but all he can see are two or three bricks between shifting leaves. 

He follows Thor up the drive to the house and can't help the way his mouth falls open when he finally sees it. 

The detached garage and house are both deep red brick, connected by an archway that leads to a little path between the buildings. It's lined with hostas sending up eager white flowers and in the back Loki sees a gate to the backyard.

"Wow!" Fenris says, "this is pretty! Do we live here now?"

Loki looks at Thor and sees a bashful little smile knocking years off of him. He shrugs one shoulder, like this could be Loki's choice; like sane people invite an estranged sibling they haven't spoken to in over half a decade to just live with them, like the reason they became estranged isn't enough to destroy what's left of their family.

Thor hasn't changed, not where it counts.

If they go through the front door, he has the sinking feeling they won't ever leave.

Keys jingle in Thor's hand and Loki hears the door stick to the frame as it opens. He lingers for a moment, then Fenris' stomach growls and he walks in. 

The living room is tidy, he notes, but still lived in. Some mail on the TV stand, a throw blanket wrinkled on the couch cushions, coasters lying in random spots. The furniture doesn't have weird stains or rips and the floor is a beautiful hardwood. This is better than the house they grew up in. 

The microwave starts up in the kitchen just beyond the living room and Loki walks toward the sound. Thor's broad back blocks half the counter. He looks almost comically large in a space built for normal people.

Loki sits at a small dining table next to a window and looks at the wall of hydrangeas in Thor's backyard. A privacy fence frames them, the wood dark from rainfall but not rotting. This entire neighborhood has money. 

He realizes with a start that he doesn't even know what Thor does for a living.

Something that lets him have long hair, it seems. 

The timer goes off and Thor brings the leftover pasta with meat sauce on a plate. There are pieces of bacon in it the way their mother used to make it when they were children. Loki wishes as he always does that Frigga had lived long enough to meet Fenris. She was always more his mother than the woman who gave birth to him.

At least she would call him her son.

Loki chops the spaghetti into small pieces with the fork Thor gave them and feeds Fenris little bites until the plate is empty and his head is nodding. 

Thor warms up the Chinese in the meantime, giving him a moment to lay his son down on the living room couch.

The plate is in the sink by the time he returns.

They haven't been alone in more than six years, but here they are.

Thor takes measured bites of Szechuan chicken but Loki can hear his questions in the silence. 

"I gave birth to him," he says, "I fell behind on my hormones and ended up pregnant. I knew I wanted to keep him, so I stopped hormones for a while, took prenatals, started doing research… then four months in Fenris' other father says he doesn't want a baby, so I need to leave."

Thor has stopped eating, he just pushes his food around with his chopsticks. 

Loki shrugs. "If he didn't want us that was fine. The hazard of being with someone you don't love, I guess, is they don't have to love you either. I got a job at a gas station, then I lost it, tried an agency but they wouldn't take someone like me. They said placing a trans man is hard enough, let alone when she's pregnant."

"Jesus Christ," Thor mutters as he sets his utensils down. He scrubs a hand over his face and looks out the window.

He's still so handsome.

"I was alone when I gave birth to him. They tried to keep him, actually. But I wasn't on anything and I had a place to live at that time. I threatened to sue them, which was a hilarious threat when I didn't even have money for gas. You know it cost twenty thousand dollars to give birth in a hospital that almost stole my son from me?" Loki lets out a bitter laugh, feels the wave of pain rising in him. 

He hates feeling safe because it just makes him want to talk.

Thor is quiet, good quiet. He knows how to really listen to someone and Loki realizes he hasn't had this in as long as he's been gone. 

Thor looks at him, then glances to the living room. "So, Fenris? After Hela's dog?"

Loki frowns, pain shoots through his stomach sharp and hot. "That dog saved my life when Odin was beating me bloody."

Thor lifts his hands up, then drops then onto the table. "I wasn't… I was just curious. I loved that dog, too."

"Convenient how it ran away after it bit the old bastard." He licks the inside of his teeth and tries to let go of the memory, but he’s never been comfortable with leaving his pain behind.

Thor sighs. "Yeah. Hela knew what he did."

Loki nods and watches tiny birds hop through Thor's grass. "And then she…"

Thor swallows audibly. "And then she."

Loki hates how much of his life is still about a dead man. 

Thor clears his throat and says, "I spread her ashes in the Pacific. I stole the urn from Dad's."

Loki's brow furrows and he tilts his head. "Why?"

Thor meets his eye and smiles so soft it makes Loki ache. "Calmer than the Atlantic."

Loki deflates in his chair and he knows now, truly, that he and Fenris aren't leaving. 


	2. Chapter 2

Thor flicks the light switch on in the guest bedroom and looks at the bags on the bed. Loki didn’t tell him how big Fenris is. He should’ve figured, since he and Loki were always big for their age. Half the clothes he bought won’t fit, but it’s a start. 

The shirts they’re wearing now have holes in them, and Fenris’ pants are too tight and short on him. Thor wonders if he could just toss their old clothes in the trash, but he doesn’t want to presume and he doesn’t want to make Loki feel like he’s out of control. This is his house, too, now. 

The shower cuts off and Thor hears Fenris laughing and Loki speaking in short, clipped words. Toddlers are difficult enough when they’re dry. 

Thor looks back at the bathroom door across the hall and frowns. Did he put his scissors and clippers away? Shit, he needs to look up how to baby proof his house. He should’ve done that yesterday.

The door cracks open and Loki’s face peeks out. “I forgot a towel.”

Fenris’ face appears lower down. “I forgot a towel, too.”

Thor laughs and goes to the door, crouching down so he can look Fenris in the eye. “Why’d you do that?”

Fenris tilts his head back to look up at Loki. “Why’d we do that?”

Loki shrugs. “Can’t say.”

Fenris looks back at Thor and shrugs like his father. “Can’t say.”

Thor stands back up and pops his knee when it feels tight. He needs to start swimming again.

“There’s a linen closet to the left of the shower,” he tells Loki, “you can use anything in there.”

Loki nods to him. “Fen get your face out of the door.”

Fenris doesn’t move, he just stares up at Thor, his brown eyes curious and sharp. 

Loki sighs. “Fen, I’m going to close the door, if you don’t get your face out of it I’ll take your nose off.”

Fenris rolls his eyes but backs away. “No you won’t, Daddy, you like my nose.”

Thor turns his head and hopes Fenris can’t see him grinning. Loki sees it, though, and raises an eyebrow, gives a playful glare, then the door clicks shut and Thor is alone again.

He’s missed so much.

A moment later the door opens and Fenris runs past him, completely naked and still dripping, and heads right into the guest bedroom. Loki has a towel in one hand and another wrapped around his waist. He rolls his eyes as he follows his son to the bedroom, but stops in the doorway. 

The bags are crinkling out of Thor’s sight. Loki just stares, mouth open and body frozen in the doorway of his new bedroom.

“Daddy!” Fenris yells, “I wanna wear this!”

Thor wonders what it is, what he did right without knowing.

Loki moves then, towel in-hand. “You’re not getting dressed until I dry you off. Come here.”

Thor goes to the doorway and looks in on them, feels for a moment like he’s an intruder, then Loki meets his eye and the way he smiles turns Thor into a fourteen year old boy again; he’s slammed back into high school, cutting class to bring Loki a lunch at the elementary school next door because dad forgot again. That smile, that little  _ thank you _ smile. He lives for it now just as he did back then.

Loki speaks in his silences and Thor’s grateful he still knows what they say.

He nods and watches them for a moment longer, then walks back to his bedroom. As he passes by the bathroom he sees the clothes they came in sitting in the bathroom trash and warmth floods his stomach, his chest feels light. 

Fenris squeals and laughs and Thor makes sure he leaves his bedroom door open so he can still hear it while he changes into his pajamas.

He wants to know them both. He wants to know this man his brother has become, the father to a beautiful little boy. Even though it will come in time, he wishes he’d been there from the start. Loki shouldn’t have been alone when he gave birth. Thor should’ve been there, he should’ve… 

The warmth in his chest spills over and he stops himself before he thinks something he shouldn’t, before he names what he wants, what he’s always wanted. 

But it’s still there, and he knows it always will be.

—

Loki wakes with Fenris’ weight in his arms and smiles. He buries his nose in his son’s hair and takes a deep breath, smells how clean he is, feels how soft.

Gentle, buttery light falls in through the window above the headboard, illuminating his son’s sleeping face as he opens his eyes. At some point Fenris will need his own room and Loki doesn’t know how he’s going to handle that. They’ve shared a bed from the day he took Fenris home.

When he didn’t know where they’d sleep next he at least knew he’d have his baby in his arms.

He listens to Fenris breathe and tucks a lock of hair behind his ear and he feels so complete, more than he ever knew he could. Fenris used to be so little and now he’s taller than most of the other kids his age, just like Loki used to be. They’re similar in a lot of ways; probably because he’s been the only constant in Fenris’ life, but he likes to think maybe the good parts of him were passed on to his son. When he was younger he used to think he didn’t have any good parts, but he knows now that can’t be true. It can’t be, because Fenris is so good and so sweet and he’s Loki’s.

All he wants is to be better than his parents were. He wants to love Fenris, really love him, and keep him safe and make him happy and to do that he has to try and like himself, to think he’s someone who can do all those things.

Thor always thought he was. Maybe Thor was right.

The smell of bacon slowly filters in through the cracked door, and he hears Thor in the kitchen just around the corner. He used to make them breakfast on the weekends when they were in school. Even when he came home from college, when by all rights he should’ve been resting and relaxing, he used to do this.

Loki doesn’t want to feel like he’s home, he doesn’t want to feel like they’re finally going to stay somewhere. He felt that in Monterey when the state gave him assistance and an apartment just to rip it back from them seven months later.

But, a voice in his mind says, Thor won’t do that. Thor loves him.

Fenris’ eyes open and his stomach growls loudly in the quiet of the morning, he sniffs the air and yawns.

“Bacon?” Fenris scoots closer to him, buries his face in Loki’s chest.

Loki hugs him and rubs his back, glad for the feeling of skin on skin, to feel the warmth and to know that despite everything Fenris is at least healthy. He’s tall and strong, and maybe now he’ll have a halfway decent diet. 

"Uncle Thor is making us breakfast. Let's get up, do you have to potty?" He kisses Fenris' head and gives him one last hug.

Fenris stretches and sits up with a bleary look. His hair sticks up at odd angles and his face is puffy, his cheeks all rosy and marked by the pillow. If he were an adult he’d look like he was drunk. Loki wants to take a picture, but Fenris hops out of bed and runs across the hall before he can grab his phone.

There's a step stool in there now, right in front of the toilet. Loki sees it right before Fenris shuts the door.

Thor is doing things Loki hasn't even thought to ask.

He slips out of bed and tugs a tank top over his head that Thor bought him. It’s a little big, but he’s between a small and medium so he’s not shocked. Most of the food he’s been able to buy for the last five months has gone into Fenris’ mouth instead of his own. If he’s eaten it’s only been once Fenris was done. Scraps from his toddler, but he’d take that for the rest of his life if it meant keeping Fenris alive. 

Exhaustion pulls at his heart, weighs his chest down and makes him slump as he stands. These thoughts are tiring. Constantly thinking of the ways he has sacrificed and will in the future to keep Fenris safe. He wants to be able to think about different things when he thinks about his son.

He stops in the doorway of the guest bedroom and waits for Fenris to finish up in the bathroom. The stool being dragged across the hardwood is audible and he can’t help but smile. When Fenris was born one of the things he thought, absurdly, was that he’d make sure his son always washed his hands after using the bathroom.

The water shuts off and Fenris pops out the door a second later, only for Loki to have to scoop him up and carry him right back into the bathroom because his hands are dripping.

Fenris sighs like this is so difficult, so trying. “I know.”

He draws the word know out for about five syllables and Loki feels like he’s seeing into a bratty teenage future.

“If you know,” he says, “then why am I drying your hands for you, hm?”

Fenris meets his eye in the mirror and scrunches his lips up and moves his mouth side to side. There’s nothing he can say and they both know that. He holds still and calm as Loki dries his hands and as soon as he’s set down he sprints off to the kitchen. 

“Wow!” Fenris doesn’t realize how loud he is when he yells.

Loki follows quickly and stops dead in the kitchen entryway. “Wow.”

Thor looks at them, then at the food on the counter and his cheeks pink as he laughs to himself. He rubs the back of his neck and shrugs.

“It’s, uh, been a while since I got to cook for someone,” Thor admits.

Loki sees a plate with at least a full pound of bacon, a dish of fresh baked cornbread next to it, a covered dish next to that, and then another plate laden with sausage hash.

Fenris runs right up to Thor, almost bumping into his legs, and looks right up into his face. “I want bacon, please!”

Thor laughs and lifts Fenris up, setting him on one hip so they can survey the food together. Loki stifles a gasp. Fenris doesn’t let anyone pick him up except Loki. 

“I think your dad will want you eat more than just bacon for breakfast, Fen, but we can get you a couple slices,” Thor says. 

He manages to balance a plate in one hand and use tongs with his other, his forearm supporting Fenris where he’s held. Thor puts two slices of bacon the plate and gives Fenris small portions of everything he’s cooked. The covered dish is some potato bake that has Loki’s mouth watering when he smells it. When Thor pushes the serving spoon into it Loki hears a chorus of crackling through layers of crispy, buttery potato.

Fenris is laughing at something Thor said that Loki missed, but it doesn’t matter; he laughs, too. He can’t help it. His heart feels so light it hurts.

Thor points out the window and Fenris gasps, then yells, “bunny!”

Loki steps forward and spies the little gray rabbit with its ears peeking up just above the grass.

Fenris giggles and squirms in Thor’s hold. “Do you have a lot of bunnies?”

Thor nods and hums a quick yes then heads to the dining table. There’s a thick cushion strapped to one chair and Loki doesn’t know what to think, doesn’t know if he should believe any of this is real.

“Why is there a pillow on my chair?” Fenris asks.

Thor doesn’t miss a beat, doesn’t look at Loki as if to ask what he’s been doing for the last four years, he just sets Fenris down and explains, “because I wasn’t sure how tall you were, so I wanted to make sure you could see over the top of the table.”

Loki grabs food for himself and sits down next to his son. Fenris is happily munching away on bacon, kicking his feet and bouncing. The last time he looked this happy Loki was teaching him how to swim in the ocean.

Thor sits down across from them and they look at each other for a long, long moment. In the peaceful quiet between them Loki can feel his brother’s love, unending and unchanged even after so long.

He can still read Thor, still hear words in his silences.

Thor is saying,  _ welcome home, little brother _ .

—

The whining of the hinge on his bedroom door wakes him up. He’s been meaning to grease it for about three months and just hasn’t managed to spare the two minutes actually do it.

Tiny, padding footsteps approach his bedside and when he opens his eyes for a split second his mind tells him he’s looking at Loki, then he sees the brown eyes instead of green and reality catches up to him. Not Loki, but his son. A sweet, smart boy that may as well be Loki if the clock was turned back.

Thor smiles and sits up against his pillows. He pats the mattress next to his hip and Fenris throws the book they’ve been reading onto the covers and climbs in. For some ungodly reason this four year old child cannot sleep through the night, and Loki is still so exhausted that he doesn’t always wake up when Fenris does.

So, instead of letting Fenris run around make his own entertainment, Thor reads to him. They’ve been working their way through Aesop’s fables for about a week.

His nephew curls into his side, soft and warm, and Thor opens the book to the page they dog-eared yesterday morning.

“Mister Thor I want to hear the one about the goats,” Fenris says, already yawning and on the verge of sleep.

Thor pauses a second before turning to the right page. Fenris has never called him mister before, and he wonders if he did something. 

“Mister Thor?” He asks, “am I not your uncle anymore?” 

Fenris just blinks at him. “I like you.”

Something is missing, some detail he hasn’t yet gleaned in the short two weeks since Loki moved in. He considers asking what Fenris means, but he’s not sure if he can handle some kind of ugly truth coming out at six-thirty in the morning on a Tuesday. 

He clears his throat starts at the top of the page. “Two Goats, frisking gayly on the rocky steeps of a mountain valley, chanced to meet, one on each side of a deep chasm through which poured a mighty mountain torrent.”

Fenris snores. 

Thor stops reading and looks down to see his nephew passed out, listing to the side with his mouth open. He sighs and shakes his head. Loki used to do the same thing.

He sets the book down on the bed with the fable open and slides down so he’s laying with his arm wrapped around Fenris. Sleep comes back to him before he realizes.

The hinge on his door creaks again and he wakes, Fenris still snoring next to him, this time it’s Loki peering in through the open door. Thor looks at the clock, sees it’s four minutes past eight. His alarm will go off soon.

Loki walks into the room with soft steps, graceful in a way that speaks to apprehension, as though he’s scared he’ll break the moment.

Thor grins at him and stretches. Loki looks at the book still lying open on the bed and picks it up.

“What’s this?” Loki asks quietly.

Thor rolls fully onto his back and shrugs. “Didn’t want to wake you. He wakes up sometimes, so I read to him.”

Loki nods and closes the book, clutches it to his chest the same way Fenris did when he carried it in. Then he smiles soft, Thor thinks truly happy, and leaves the room.

— 

Loki closes Thor’s bedroom door and leans against the wall. His throat constricts and his stomach drops, his hand is shaking where it clutches the book of fables. 

Is he awake? He’s dreamt of this so many times now that he doubts if this is reality. How could it be? How could a recurring dream that’s saved his life be happening behind the door he just closed? The first time it happened he didn’t even know he was pregnant, he just knew he missed his brother, that he was beginning to hate the life he’d forced on himself. Again and again it haunted him, Thor with children, Thor laughing, Thor… 

The last line of the fable about the goats won’t stop running through his mind.  _ It is better to yield than to come to misfortune through stubbornness. _

And he has yielded. He’s given in and collapsed in a way he always swore he wouldn’t, but it’s brought them here, it’s brought them to Thor.

Tears burn at his eyes and he wonders if he’ll ever be able to stop crying. Safety is such a terrifying prospect. He’s thought up five different ways they could survive in the city if they have to leave. Shelters, programs, jobs he could maybe hold down.

But Fenris is asleep in Thor’s bed with Thor cuddled up behind him and Loki’s body isn’t big enough to feel something like this. He can’t hold it, he doesn’t have anywhere to put it. What is he going to do?

How is he still in love with his fucking brother?

He thought about all the ways things could go wrong on the bus ride up here. Fenris has always been cold and distant with any of the men Loki had to use to survive, but he likes Thor. His son likes Thor. Trusts him, even, enough to go to him when Loki isn’t awake.

Loki takes a slow, slow breath and hugs the book, feels the spine and covers digging into his skin, then relaxes and goes to put it back on the bookshelf in the bedroom. Their bedroom now, no longer the guest room. They aren’t guests, if they ever were. Thor told him from the beginning without reserve or qualification that they’re still family. 

Loki is beginning to believe it. 

—

Thor sees toy stores differently now. He never went into them before Loki came back, which is the first change, but it’s more than that; he doesn’t think about his own childhood anymore. There are no comparisons to the toys he used to have, it’s just about Fenris now.

Whether one toy is too big for him, if he’d like the sounds another one makes, if he and Loki will be able to handle the sounds it makes, if a puzzle would be too hard for him. It’s all about the amazing little boy kicking his legs and hitting Thor in the thighs as they traverse the aisles.

The boy that called him Mister because he likes Thor. 

A question Thor still hasn’t asked. Doesn’t know how to ask. Doesn’t know if he wants the answers.

Loki’s pain cuts him more deeply than anyone else’s. More so because he feels responsible for it. Maybe if he’d handled things better back then they wouldn’t be here now.

But then Fenris wouldn’t be here either. He’s quieter than normal despite his active legs, but it’s probably because he’s tired. Normally he takes a nap right around now.

Thor likes knowing this, he realizes.

Loki picks up a set of Legos and turns the box over and over in his hands, looks at the pieces, looks at the price tag. Eighty dollars. He puts it back on the shelf, then wanders further down and picks up a less expensive set. 

Thor grabs the first one off the shelf and puts it in the cart without a word. 

When Loki turns around he stops at the sight of it, looks at Thor, then at the Legos, then again at Thor.

“Thor, it’s eighty dollars,” Loki says quietly.

Thor nods. “They’re almost indestructible, they’re quiet, they encourage him to use his hands and build things, and I was going to pay for this trip regardless because I want to do something nice for you.”

Loki’s shoulders drop. “Everything you’ve done since we got here has been nice.”

“And?” Thor asks, then, “are you expecting me to stop?”

Fenris is staring at him, eyes wide and unblinking, the way he always looks at Thor. The weight of his eyes is tangible as Thor stares back at his brother.

Loki shakes his head and lets out a long breath. “I don’t know why I am.”

Thor smiles as softly as he can. “I love you, Loki.”

The less expensive toy is set back on the shelf and they begin making their way toward the clothing. Almost everything Thor bought is too small, but luckily he kept the receipt. Loki looked like he was going to have a heart attack when he saw the balance on the returned items.

They meander through aisles of children’s clothing. Fenris is asleep by the time they enter the boys’ section. Not even a minute. Thor watches him lean further and further to the side, then picks him up and cradles his nephew to his chest. Little fingers wind into his hair and he hears soft little sighs at the same time that he feels them against his collarbone. Loki’s eyes linger on them as he sets three pairs of toddler jeans into the cart.

“I’m done,” Loki says, quiet like the store isn’t loud, like there aren’t children laughing and running, parents exasperated, and the local top forty playing with a tinny reverb through speakers in the ceiling.

Like it’s private, Thor thinks. Maybe it is. Despite being in public, being out, maybe this is private because it’s them and it’s good in a way neither of them has had before.

Thor didn’t know how long he’d gone without feeling. Not until now. Checked out because a piece of his heart ran away because he fucked up. Now it’s been returned to him.

He loves his brother. Loves him unending, unerring, always.

And he loves this boy just as much.

He just wants them happy and safe. However that looks.

Fenris nuzzles into his neck and his heart is bursting.


	3. Chapter 3

Thor fidgets sometimes, like their mother used to. Like Loki does.

Usually it means he can’t figure out how to say something. Perhaps Loki should be gracious and ask him what he wants to say, but he’s only on his second cup of iced coffee and Thor is entertaining when he’s nervous. 

The morning is muggy as it grows closer and closer to noon, but not so hot that Loki can’t stand it. Condensation runs down the side of his mug and drips onto his thighs. He watches Thor finally stop, follows his brother’s gaze to his son playing with a set of wooden blocks out in the grass.

“He called me Mister Thor.”

Loki forces himself not to react, keeps his eyes on his son. This isn’t as entertaining as he imagined.

Thor clears his throat. “I asked him if I’m not his uncle anymore and he said he likes me.”

Loki tastes something sour in the back of his throat, feels it crawling up into his mouth. He sets his coffee on the little glass and wicker table between their chairs. It rests with a quiet little tap, only audible because Loki’s senses become hyper-aware with so little provocation now. There’s a name for that, he knows. A name he doesn’t want to say.

Thor sighs and out of the corner of his eye Loki sees him rubbing his forehead. “Loki, I won’t ask you to tell me anything, you don’t owe me, I just—”

“I told him all the men I used were his uncles. This is Uncle Victor, this is Uncle Kevin, and on and on. To him an uncle is just whoever we're living with at the time. That's my fault, I know. But if they were his uncles then I hoped he’d never call one of them daddy or papa. I never wanted them to be close to him like that. He didn’t either, I don’t think. He’s young, but he knows they didn’t treat me right. He told them all he hated them.” Loki takes a slow breath and hopes none of this has done damage to his son that can’t be undone. He’ll never forgive himself.

Thor is quiet for a moment, the weight of his eyes heavy. “Well, I’m glad he doesn’t hate me.”

Loki laughs softly and shakes his head, tension breaking as his shoulders drop. “I am, too.”

He looks at Thor and meets his eye for a moment, sees a weight there, an old one that threatens to slam him back into his teenage years. Fenris laughs at something and Loki’s head whips to him on reflex, any noise his son makes has him hard-wired to react, to check, make sure he’s okay. 

There’s a butterfly on his arm.

Loki relaxes in his seat again but avoids looking at his brother.

Nothing has changed, has it?

—

Thor rests his face in his hand and flips between the two open tabs in his browser. Loki’s pacing steps drag against his hardwood floor, and his words have long devolved into nervous muttering.

He stops, one hand comes to rest on Thor’s shoulder. “Okay, the first one. It’s closer.”

“This is the third time you’ve made a choice, are you sure?” He shouldn’t even ask.

Loki hums the affirmative and Thor closes the extra tab. They’re just barely making the cut to enroll Fenris in a pre-k program. He begins filling out the online form but only manages to fill out Fenris’ first name when he realizes something.

He doesn’t know his nephew’s last name.

Thor leaves his hands poised over the keyboard and tabs to the box for a last name, leaves the cursor blinking and looks back at his brother. Loki looks at the screen while his jaw works.

“Northman,” he says, quietly.

Thor nods and puts in all of Fenris’ information, proud of himself for knowing so much even after that little blunder, then begins filling out Loki’s information toward the bottom of the screen.

“Actually,” Loki says, cutting him off when he’s just finished typing Borson as Loki’s last name, “Fenris and I have the same last name.”

Thor stops and takes his hands away from the keyboard. “You changed your last name?”

He looks at Loki, but Loki is looking at a framed picture of Fenris next to the computer. Thor looks at it, too. He had taken it on his phone, a perfect moment of Fenris bouncing on his bed; in the air with his legs kicked back and a huge smile on his face. The shaggy mop of his hair floats around his head, picking up golden sunlight. Thor can still hear his laughter. There’s another one on his desk at work, too. 

Loki doesn’t know that.

“I didn’t want to have his name anymore,” Loki says, voice more firm than Thor has heard in longer than he can remember.

He nods. That part is easy to understand, but he doesn’t like it when Loki lies to him. “You didn’t want to share a name with me, either, did you?”

“Thor—”

“I’m not mad,” Thor cuts in, turning to offer a little half smile when Loki frowns at him, “we wouldn’t have the same last name even if you didn’t change yours.”

Loki’s hands begin to fidget. “I’d seen your mail. I wasn’t sure how to ask. It’s a good name, Friggason.”

Thor’s smile grows a bit, his chest warms. “She was a good mom.”

Their eyes meet and when Loki smiles Thor’s chest goes from gentle warmth to feeling like it’s caving in. His hands twitch with the need to cradle his brother’s jaw and his smile falls a bit as his lips move of their own accord in the desire to kiss Loki.

Muffled laughter filters in from outside. The kids here have been good to Fenris, taken him in and made quick friends with him. Peter and Ned showed him How It’s Made videos on Youtube the other day and he’s been hooked. Thor now knows how stop signs are made and he’ll never use that information for as long as he lives.

He’s certainly had enough signs tell him to stop, but here he is anyway. 

“Why Northman?” Thor asks.

Loki shrugs, still looking him right in the eye. “It’s generic enough, but strong. He already has a weird first name, I didn’t want to completely ruin his life.”

Thor laughs and Loki does, too. The skies are cloudy and grey but the day is warm and Thor feels like he has his brother back. Like he has his heart back.

—

Loki doesn’t know how Thor managed to get him and Fenris lumped into his own health insurance but he’s not going to even acknowledge that gift horse, let alone look in its mouth. He never minded doctor’s offices in the past, but a gynecologist gives him mixed feelings.

The lobby is cramped, chairs stacked almost on top of each other, and a TV right out of his own childhood is sitting on a stool in the corner. Everything on the screen comes out fuzzy, but the sound is surprisingly good, even if he can hear the music of whichever Harry Potter movie this is better than the dialogue.

A short redheaded woman pops out of a side door in the lobby and looks at him with a smile. “Loki?”

He stands and follows her, makes a point not to look at any of the other patients in the waiting room. They walk right into the nearest exam room and she shuts the door. 

“I’m Kim. So you’re here for a pap smear and pelvic exam?” She asks.

He nods. “Yes. I haven’t had one since before I gave birth to my son. He’s four now.”

She nods and writes a note on the chart. “Perfect, thanks, go ahead and step on this scale for me.”

Underweight, still. Of course.

She marks it down and takes his height. “Do you mind if we also do a breast exam?”

He shrugs. “If you feel it’s necessary.”

Kim writes more notes in his chart. “I’ll check with the clinician. She’ll be in in about ten minutes.”

“Thank you,” he mumbles as he sits on the table.

The paper crinkles under his ass and he frowns. Going to an obgyn made him nervous when he was pregnant. Most of them were good, but there were a couple who didn’t seem to appreciate his situation. 

He studies the various posters and hard plastic models scattered around the room and realizes after a moment that none of the diagrams mention a gender. No women’s health. Just uterine health. A knock comes at the door and he turns right as the clinician comes in with a polite smile and a pair of tie-dye style crocks. 

“Hello,” she says, voice pitched in a way Loki recognizes plainly.

He looks at her throat and feels his nerves disappear. She has an Adam’s apple.

“Alright, Mr. Northman, I’m Amy. So you’re here for a pap smear and a pelvic exam, and the nurse wrote maybe a breast exam. You’ve had one child, is that right?” She glances up at him, her eyes are wide-set on her face, but kind looking.

He nods. “Yes, just my son.”

“I imagine you went off hrt during the pregnancy, right?” She sits down next to a computer and taps a few keys on the keyboard to wake it up.

“Right. I’ve been on them off and on in between. He’s four now. I’ve seen a family doctor to try and get back on testosterone, but she wanted me to have a pap smear and everything before she’d recommend me to an endocrinologist,” he explains.

Amy types as he talks, then turns to him once she’s finished. “I agree, it’s better to be cautious, especially with how far along your transition is now, we want to make sure we keep you healthy. Looks like, what, about two years total on T?”

He thinks about it, then nods. “About two and a half at most.”

She stands and goes to a cabinet near the bed, opening the door to reveal about a dozen hospital gowns. “Okay, so this won’t be too bad. I’m going to give you a gown, go ahead and undress and put it on then lie back on the table. I’ll step out while you undress and come back in and we’ll get this done. I know the speculum is never comfortable, but I have a light hand, so it shouldn’t be too bad.”

Loki nods and tries not to fidget, but she must see something on his face because she stops for a moment and comes to stand in front of him.

“We’re just going to make sure you’re not cancerous or precancerous. Pregnancy is supposed to be a time of joy, but I’m sure for you it was more complicated,” she pauses for a moment and he sees her, sees beyond the white coat and the nametag, sees a woman who knows on some level what his life has been like, “but I’m sure you love him and want to be here for him for a long time. He’ll need his father.”

Loki grits his teeth and clears away tightness in his throat, but the tears well up in his eyes anyway. Kindness shouldn’t feel so sharp, but it cuts into him and breaks him. “Thank you.”

She pats his knee and leaves the room. His nerves are eased, he takes a moment to himself before undressing. Underneath the anxiety he’s excited to go back on testosterone again. It’s been years since he’s felt entirely right in his skin.

Not since…

Well.

—

Thor cradles Fenris to his chest and rubs his back as he cries. Ten seconds, if even that, and Fenris split his lip open. Thor scolds himself internally. He should’ve been paying better attention.

Loki walks in the door and Thor practically runs to him, turning Fenris’ little red face toward him so Loki can check the split lip that’s only just stopped bleeding. 

“Thor,” Loki says, slow and patient, “why didn’t you clean him up?”

Thor closes his eyes and curses himself. Fucking hell, he really is a mess. “Sorry, sorry, let’s go to the bathroom.”

Loki shakes his head and leads the way, taking Fenris from him as they all crowd around the sink. “What happened?”

“I was getting snacks for movie time and he was running and I wasn’t paying attention and—”

“Not going to run in the house again, are you, Fen?” Loki carefully dabs the cut with a wet q-tip and then wets down a cotton ball to wipe up the dried blood on his chin and neck. Most of it ended up on Thor’s t-shirt.

A few final, fat tears roll over Fenris’ rosy little cheeks. He shakes his head. “No, daddy.”

Once most of the blood has been cleaned up Loki tips Fenris’ chin up with one finger and looks him in the eye. “Are you okay?”

Fenris sniffs again, then nods. “Yep. My lip hurts. Can I have a popsicle?”

Loki smiles and kisses Fenris on the forehead. “We don’t have any, but I’ll put a banana in the freezer for a few minutes. Sound good?”

Fenris smiles, then winces, and Thor feels relief so heavy it’s crushing him. His skin doesn’t feel large enough to contain his heart. When he heard the unmistakable thud of Fenris’ little body falling and shrill scream of pain his heart had stopped and he feels like it only just started beating again.

Loki lays a hand on his shoulder and leans against him and Thor’s glad for a moment to just bear Loki’s weight. It’s the most they’ve touched since the hug at the bus station.

He leans back into Loki, feels his warmth, then pulls away. “I’ll put the banana in the freezer for him.”

Thor walks away and as soon as he’s turned the corner he hears Fenris’ voice loud and clear when he says, “can Thor be my daddy, too? I can call him Papa so you don’t get confused!”

He braces his hand against the wall separating the kitchen from the hall and goes completely still. His blood roars in his ears and he wonders if the human body was made to endure the kind of chaotic ping-ponging his emotions have been doing lately.

“Fenris, love, I’ve told you it’s complicated.” Loki isn’t trying to be quiet, if he was Thor wouldn’t be able to hear him.

Thor breathes slowly and swallows dry, throat clicking around it. He’s told Fenris. They’ve had this conversation before. Fenris has asked if Thor could be his dad before this.

Fuck.

What is he going to do?

“But you like him, daddy! And he likes you! Why don’t you kiss him like you did the others?” Fenris’ voice is higher pitched than normal, a little whiny. 

The world is spinning around Thor.

“Fenris, he’s your uncle—”

“Yeah but you kissed Uncle Norman and you didn’t even like him.” He says it like Loki is stupid, like he’s missing some obvious detail that Fenris picked up weeks ago.

Thor closes his eyes and breathes through a wave of nausea rising up his throat. The others. He’s tried to forget, but there’s no way. Hearing Fenris mention them so casually burns inside him. 

Loki sighs and Thor forces himself to move away. He rips a banana off the bunch so hard the stem snaps off and part of the peel comes away with it before he tosses it into the freezer.

He wants it. He wants what Fenris wants.

Being an uncle isn’t good enough and what kind of horrid person does that make him?

As long as Loki’s around he’s never going to have a relationship anyway. No one would be able to compare. No one will rip his heart out of his chest the same way just to kiss the bleeding wound. Nobody can hurt him and heal him like Loki does.

It’s always been wrong but it’s all Thor knows, the only thing he wants.

Loki’s steps are soft as they approach at his back.

Thor turns around, mouth open, ready to speak but his words die as Loki hauls him in. He grabs Loki’s hips and gasps when Loki cups the side of his face. Loki’s breath washes over his skin and his eyes flutter shut. Their noses bump and their lips almost meet, but they both stop short. They’re pressed together hip to chest and Thor lets out a breath that draws all the tension from his body, has him melting into his baby brother’s embrace.

Loki's thumb rubs his cheek, catching on the stubble he's letting grow. 

Fenris' little feet pad across the floor and they separate as he enters the kitchen. Thor turns around and grabs the banana out of the freezer. It’s not even cold, but it’ll be fine.

He peels it and breaks off one third for Fenris, then splits the rest of the fruit for him and Loki. The banana is perfectly ripe and Fenris looks so happy just chomping away at his piece. 

Thor takes a deep, deep breath and thinks, just for a second, how lucky he would be if Fenris were his son.

—

Loki flips through channel after channel and sighs. He's fixed Thor's gutters, he's mopped the floor, he's vacuumed the rugs, put oil on all the squeaky hinges in the house, and he's watched tutorials on how to fix a cracked pane in a window so he can repair the one in Thor’s office. All he needs is to buy the glass.

There’s nothing to do today. No chores. No jobs for him to finish.

He can't even go pick up his son from preschool because Thor's doing that for him. 

Shit. He's actually bored. How long has it been since that happened?

His cell phone rings and he jumps, then rolls his eyes at himself for being so easily startled. It's Fenris' school.

"Hello, is Fenris alright?" 

Paranoid, maybe, but it's only been a week since school started.

The woman on the other end of the line chuckles. "He's fine, Mr. Northman, we just needed to call to make sure it's okay if your boyfriend takes him home today. You only had yourself down to pick Fenris up, but he ran right into your boyfriend’s arms and I think he’s going to throw a pretty good fit if we try to take him back."

Boyfriend? Who—

Oh.

Oh, fuck.

"Thor's there?" He swallows his nerves.

Boyfriend.

She gives him a chipper little confirmation and he can hear Fenris laughing amidst the background noise.

"It's fine, of course. I was expecting him to get Fenris today. Thank you for calling." His head is swimming.

Of course they'd think Thor is his boyfriend. Fenris doesn't understand they're actually brothers. They have different last names and they look almost nothing alike. Loki listed Thor as an emergency contact but never specified relation other than that they live together.

He doesn’t think about why he did that.

Above the TV there’s a picture of the three of them, a little group selfie Loki took. He and Thor are on the outside and Fenris is in between them. The way he smiles is enough to bring tears to Loki’s eyes. They took it at the park behind his pre-school to try and convince him to actually go, and by the end he wouldn’t stop asking when he could start. The frame housing it is so lovely, a copper finish with the word family painted along the bottom.

There is nothing in that picture that would tell anyone on the outside that every face within that copper frame is related by blood. They don’t look like a father, son, and uncle. 

More like two fathers with their child.

Loki ran as far and as fast as he could but all it’s done is bring him right back here. They would always come back to this, wouldn't they? Fate and destiny have always seemed trite and overly dramatic.

Soulmates, though.

He might be able to believe in those.

—

Thor doesn't sing on his own, but he'll sing along with Fenris. Though it's more accurate to say Fenris howls in time with the lyrics of whatever song he’s listening to.

They pull into the driveway and Thor grabs Fenris out of his booster seat as quickly as he can, desperate the avoid the rain already falling on them. Fenris clings to him as Thor carries him inside. 

Loki is on the couch, lounging in a way he rarely allows for himself. He smiles as they come in, but doesn’t move off the couch. Fenris is still singing with the song from the radio, repeating the lyrics in a jumble that doesn't even resemble the original song anymore. 

Thor laughs and sets him down on the chair by the front door to take his shoes off. He keeps still and good, chewing his lower lip all the while.

Once his feet are bare he hops down and kisses Thor on the cheek. "Thank you, Papa."

Thor's smile falls into a shocked gape as Fenris runs off to put his backpack in the bedroom.

Thor looks at Loki, but Loki is staring at his phone.

They can't do this, can they?

Can they?


	4. Chapter 4

The hallway is sparsely lit by little yellow nightlights in the walls, one on either side of the bathroom door. Loki takes slow, careful steps to the end. He woke up without Fenris in his arms and there’s only one place he’d be if not with Loki.

Thor’s door is cracked open, just enough for him to see the bottom half of the bed. The hinges are quiet as he pushes the door all the way open.

His breath catches and his heartbeat begins to race.

Fenris is sound asleep in Thor’s arms, his little head pillowed on Thor’s bicep, Thor’s other arm draped over him. 

A sharp ache blooms in Loki’s stomach and tears spring up in his eyes. He turns his head, looks away from the scene until he can regain control of himself. Fenris sighs in his sleep and Loki hears the sound of blankets shuffling. His curiosity drives him to look up even though he isn’t sure he’ll survive what he sees. 

Fenris has buried his face in Thor’s chest, his fingers clutch at Thor’s night shirt.

Loki is moving to the bed before he knows what he even means to do. He crawls in with them without thinking about it, scoots close enough to hold them both.

It’s warm. It’s so, so warm.

He rests his head on the pillow and adjusts so Thor’s arm is comfortable in the curve of his neck. It’s bad enough that he lays here with them like this, but he’s always been committed to his bad decisions so he grabs the arm draped over his son and lifts it, angles his body forward and rests Thor’s hand and wrist on his side.

Thor stirs a bit, blinks his eyes open, unfocused until he sees Loki and smiles. “Loki.”

He falls right back to sleep, if he was even fully awake to begin with. His arms stretch to hold both Loki and Fenris, keeping them secure with the ridiculous, superhuman length they have.

The clock ticks away the seconds and Loki has no idea what he’ll do if he wakes up in Thor’s bed. It wouldn’t be the first time. Surely it would be better than the last. He doesn’t feel terror at the thought of being happy like he used to. But still. There are plenty of other reasons not to let this happen.

He closes his eyes, knows he should leave before he falls asleep here. Brothers don’t do this. How will he ever explain this to his son? 

A lie like this won’t hold up over time. It’s not safe to give in to his heart. He shouldn’t. 

Just another minute, that’s all, then he’ll leave and go back to his own bed.

Another… just another minute.

When he wakes up Thor is still asleep, lying on his back with Fenris on top of him, face pressed into his chest and fingers still holding tight to his sleep shirt.

Fenris’ dark brown eyes are watching Loki, blinking slowly. He’s been awake for a while, might’ve even gone to the bathroom already while Thor and Loki slept side by side.

“I love him, daddy,” he whispers.

Loki smiles and reaches out to run his fingers through Fenris’ hair. “I love him, too.”

“Can we stay here?” Fenris asks, his voice tinged with uncertainty as his fingers grip Thor’s shirt so hard his little knuckles are turning white. He’s afraid. 

Loki rubs his back and takes a deep, slow breath. “We’re staying, love.”

Fenris smiles and nuzzles Thor’s chest, his grip eases and he wiggles a little, kicking his legs a bit but clearly trying not to hit Thor.

Thor groans and stretches, yawning into wakefulness. He turns his head and looks at Loki, blinks a few times as his brows furrow, then his face melts into a blinding smile.

“Mornin’.” His words come out rough and pitched deep. Loki has craved hearing it.

“Good morning,” Loki replies, voice only breath and heart soaring.

This is the choice he’s making, then. To have his son happy even though it means lying to him for years. Mayb decades. Maybe forever.

Thor is the only man he could ever let be a father to his son. He’s dreamt of it since the day Fenris was born, wished and hoped and done everything except pray for it. 

Maybe someone was listening anyway.

—

Thor folds the last piece of laundry from the latest load and realizes something awful.

He needs a bigger washer and dryer. 

Or maybe they all have too much clothing. 

Probably not that.

Thor refills the empty basket with the clean clothes and goes to Loki and Fenris’ bedroom. He puts everything away in the dresser he bought them last week. Fenris has already put a sticker on the top drawer. Once he unloads the basket he stands their empty room. The space is bright but full and lived in. Toys overflow from a little plastic trunk in one corner, and even though he’s just done laundry their hamper has at least another load in it. 

He loves that this is their space, loves that this is their home, but for the last two days his mind keeps drifting back to one thought. 

Loki slept in his bed.

Ever since the first time Fenris showed up with a book clutched in his hands he’s taken to crawling into Thor’s bed to cuddle up with him and sleep if he wakes up in the night, so he wasn’t surprised when Fenris was laying on his chest.

But Loki was there with a puffy face that had pillow marks on it. He hadn’t just shown up a few minutes before Thor woke; at some point he followed Fenris in and slept with them in the bed. He stayed. Whether he meant to or not, he was there when Thor opened his eyes.

The last time Thor woke up to Loki in his bed Loki left him four days after.

Not this time. This is different. They’re different.

The hinges have all been oiled in a fit of Loki’s pique, so he only hears the jingle of Loki’s keys as the front door opens.

He grabs the basket and heads into the living room, but frowns when he doesn’t see Fenris.

“Where’s Fen?” He looks out the front window but doesn’t see him outside either.

Loki chews his bottom lip and smiles. “Fenris has a sleepover with Peter and Ned. We planned it yesterday. May promised to call if anything happens, but I’m sure he’ll be alright.”

“You didn’t tell me?” Thor realizes as soon as he says it that he has no right to feel defensive. Fenris isn’t his son.

Before he can backtrack Loki is laughing, soft and sweet. “I wanted to surprise you.”

Thor swallows and his stomach flips.

A surprise. 

For him.

To have Fenris out of the house for the night.

Yesterday his receptionist asked how his boyfriend and kid were.

His brain spirals and spirals over the space of a breath but he comes back to what Loki’s said. A surprise. 

Loki takes loose, sauntering steps to him and grabs him by the collar of his shirt. He freezes, his heart trips over itself as Loki comes in and in and in, just like the kitchen. But he doesn’t stop, doesn’t hold back when their noses touch. His lips brush against Thor’s and every piece of self-imposed restraint he’s built snaps all at once. He drops the basket and wraps his arms around Loki, crushes his brother against his body and almost lifts him from the ground.

A little chuckle vibrates in Loki’s chest, playful in a way Thor hasn’t heard in years. He growls and nips at Loki’s lip.

Loki gasps and pulls back, breath just a bit faster than normal. His eyes flick across Thor’s face, lingering on his lips, his jaw, up to his hair where he knows he’s going gray.

“Last time this didn’t work,” Loki says softly.

Thor’s brows shoot up and he exhales sharply. “You don’t usually understate things.”

Loki rolls his eyes and laughs again, shaking his head. “I mean. Last time we didn’t work.”

“Not gonna run off again, are you?” Thor asks.

He knows, but still.

“No,” Loki says, “I can’t. I won’t.”

Thor closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, calms his heart where it’s become frantic, and holds his brother close. “What do we tell him?”

“Nothing.” Loki’s forehead rests against his. “I’m not… I can’t. If he finds out when he’s older then we’ll deal with it, but I’m not telling him.”

Thor nods and resolves himself to the lie. He hates it, but he understands why it’s a conversation Loki doesn’t want to have. Who knows what will happen in the future.

Loki’s stomach growls and Thor laughs, pulls back just enough to show him a smile. “Dinner?”

The light in his eyes makes Thor feel whole, at home. Nothing is missing from him anymore.

“Dinner,” Loki agrees.

—

Loki remembers the first time they fucked, hidden away in the attic bedroom while their parents were out of town. His memories are so sharp, so clear. Thor’s face staring down at him, the way his hands looked on Thor’s shoulders. None of it has faded with time. He remembers that he’d never felt more complete in his life than when Thor was inside him. 

He also remembers the overwhelming shame he felt after. When he ran he told himself it was because he loved Thor, that he couldn’t ruin Thor’s life with a doomed relationship. Because what else is he but doomed and broken?

His cellphone rang almost nonstop for two weeks, then it stopped. All at once it stopped. Every bit of his self loathing was confirmed and he kept his silence for six years. Through homelessness and abuse, through everything he kept quiet until he just couldn’t. Until it wasn’t only hurting him.

He’s glad he gave that up, that he’s grown enough to know that reaching out and asking for help will work if he just asks the right people.

Mostly he’s glad he learned not to listen to his fear. He understands he was scared, terrified of being given everything he’d wanted. Pining for years was one thing, it was something that he’d grown comfortable doing. But having Thor? No. That was too big to consider. Especially in their house. With Odin looming over their shoulders and every silence weighed down by the inevitability of the next time he’d snap.

He will never have to know that fear again, all he has to know is Thor’s love.

Thor’s lips trail over his hip bones and across the stretch marks and loose skin of his belly. “Fuck.”

He sounds hungry. Loki spreads his legs to give him more room. “Hope you will.”

Thor laughs under his breath and kisses his way up to Loki’s chest, lips dragging along the subtle curve still lingering there. He finds he doesn’t mind it the way he usually does. Not when Thor worships the body he’s in and doesn’t ask it to be something it can’t.

Maybe he should try that, too. 

He relaxes and sighs as Thor kisses his neck, hands warm and soft as they move up his sides. Thor was his first and he wants Thor to be his last.

Loki reaches between their bodies and finds Thor hard for him, solid and hot. He rubs the head of Thor's cock against himself and sighs in pleasure. Thor sucks on his neck and nuzzles at his jaw. The tenderness has Loki dripping. He can't imagine the mess he's making of Thor's sheets. Their sheets.

He uses his brother like a toy, rubbing himself until he feels like he's close. It would be easy to cum like this. Thor would let him. But he doesn't want to be empty.

Loki guides Thor into his body and groans as Thor makes the slow, steady slide in. He's so wet and ready that Thor bottoms out without even a second of resistance. How did he forget that sex could feel this good? 

Thor pushes himself up to his elbows and rocks his hips, sliding in and out, grinding against him until he’s keening. He grabs Thor’s shoulders and hikes his legs further up his brother’s sides. The angle is perfect, Thor knows what he’s doing and Loki would be jealous of everyone Thor practiced with if he wasn’t sure there would be no one else now. Only him.

A slight shift in Thor’s position sends lightning up his spine and makes his eyes roll into his head. 

He digs his nails into Thor’s skin and locks his ankles together. “There, there, please.”

Thor growls and Loki feels him moving faster, a little harder and fuck it’s incredible. Each time he bottoms out he hits something that makes Loki moan, his voice growing louder and louder as the tension in his gut builds.

“I’m close,” he gasps.

Thor cusses and buries his face in Loki’s neck and grabs his thigh, pulls his leg higher and Loki shakes, scratches Thor’s shoulders harder than he means but it feels so good, so good. He cries out and rocks his hips into Thor’s thrusts.

Muffled words falls from Thor’s lips, stubble dragging against Loki’s skin. “I love you, Loki.”

He’ll never admit it out loud, but he’s missed those words from Thor. They make his skin flash with heat and the pleasure of Thor inside him turn almost sharp. Thor says it again and again, chants it like a prayer. Loki holds his breath, feels his lungs burn and listens to Thor’s shaking words and feels his heavy cock filling him so full that he’ll never forget how real he is. How loved he is.

Thor snaps his hips up hard and Loki shouts as he cums, the pleasure surging through him. His toes curl and his back arches as Thor fucks him through it. 

“That’s it, Loki,” Thor sighs. 

Loki feels Thor’s cock jumping inside him after another breath, and they both still as Thor fills him.

They lay together, breathing, whole, and peaceful as they trade lazy kisses.

How good it is to be home.

—

Loki bites his lower lip and gently applies quick-dry caulk to the pane he’s replacing in Thor’s office window. The one with the crack sits on the desk ready to be recycled. 

He hears Fenris laughing in the living room, the little squealing laugh he has when he’s being tickled. 

“Daddy!” He yells, “Papa won’t—”

“It’s lies, Loki!” Thor shouts, cutting Fenris off, then doing something that makes their son shriek with laughter.

He shakes his head and carefully picks up the cracked pane, a little chip at the top of the break. It sits in his palm as he walks through the living room to the kitchen. Fenris is squirming in Thor’s arms as Thor buries his face against Fenris’ belly and blows a raspberry on him. 

Loki watches them as he walks by and can’t help his smile.

The laughter dies off and as he puts the glass in the bin he hears words he’s dreamt of his son saying for years.

“I love you, Papa.”

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading, i hope you're able to take something away from this story. <3
> 
> let me know what you think!


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